Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
