I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
