i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
