dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
