I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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