I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
