Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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