Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
