Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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