apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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