Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
