It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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