I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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