I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
