We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
