A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
