Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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