So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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