Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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