marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize