Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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