I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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