I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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