i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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