I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
