We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
