Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
