even my farts smell like vagina
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
