he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
