Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
it's like heaven, but drunker
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
