I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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