ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He felt like a one man threesome
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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