my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Houston, we have a blender
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
