Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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