she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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