I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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