dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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