So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
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