Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
