i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
