I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
