btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
