i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
