Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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