Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
