Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
