btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
