omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
