I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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