I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
