Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He shit in the fireplace
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
