So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
