I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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