he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
