Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
