My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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