After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize