My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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